Mind

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS MAY BE TOO DARK FOR SOME. IT IS INTENDED TO BE HARD HITTING, ‘KICK YOU IN THE CHEST’ HONESTY ABOUT DEPRESSION.

The pool is full of insects that float and quiver in the chemical water,

Needing saving,

Drowning in the chlorine,

Gasping for breath,

Wings and bodies failing them,

There’s no rescuing them,

Assisted suicide supporter I watch them;

And wish I was them.

The air I breathe is just a combustion of negativity,

I can’t be there for anybody,

I feel such responsibility,

To save everybody,

But how can I be expected to save everyone else,

When I can’t even save myself.

Alice In Wonderland taught me that we’re all mad here,

We’re just fucked up in a world we like to pretend is wonderland.

Happy people fucking scare me,

It’s the sad people that I can relate to,

Because they are cursed with dark minds just like me.

My mind is a shadow

My mind is a shadow

My mind is a shadow

I’m comfortable in my sadness,

I feed it with melancholy music and musings,

I hone in on it and let myself feel it in my bones,

It electrifies me,

I get intoxicated on it on my own.

I think about how peaceful it would be to throw myself off a cliff.

The thought itself gives me an adrenaline rush,

I feel a strange high,

How messed up am I,

I’ve written my goodbyes,

Many times,

But in the end I just say goodbye to my goodbyes.

The weak frail insect bodies fail these drowning creatures,

My murky unlit brain creates my sinking thoughts,

My mind is failing me

My mind is failing me

My mind is failing me

There’s disease in my daydreams,

Cancer in my concentration,

Infection in my insight,

Poison in my perception,

Sickness in my sense of self,

Contamination in my complex network of cells.

My mind is sick

My mind is sick

My mind is sick

Being brain-dead with a functioning body is brutalising torment,

Watching the sun disappear behind the veil,

The sliver of moonlight is barely visible,

No stars shine tonight,

Sometimes it’s thunderous thinking,

Shattering shards of glass raining down on me,

Mostly it’s just a dismal damp dreary greyness that vapours my very being.

You think I’ve just had one too many glasses of wine,

And that’s why I’m crying,

You think I’m just overdramatic,

And that’s why I’m telling you I want to die,

You wonder ‘what’s she been through she has no reason to be depressed’,

‘cheer up’,

FUCK OFF YOU IGNORANT CUNTS.

There’s no criteria for who can catch a cold,

Likewise head affliction can hit anyone,

Regardless of what their specifications are,

A person should never apologise for how they feel,

We feel things for a reason,

We are entitled to our feelings,

I am entitled to my sadness,

I am entitled to want to die,

I am entitled to fucking feel everything and then nothing,

In a viscous cycle of anxiety and low self esteem,

The world is shit,

People are shit,

I want release from anguish through death,

I want to fucking kill myself,

And I won’t apologise for that.

My mind is warped

My mind is warped

My mind is warped

There’s a tension in my muscles,

Every atom of my being aches,

The physical and mental weariness is excruciating,

Anaesthetised detachment injected into my humanity,

Nothingness surges through my veins,

There’s a deadness in my watchful stare.

Oh chemical water fill my lungs,

Sting my eyes and make them burn,

Suffocate me,

Wash over me,

Distress my body momentarily before leaving it at peace,

Fucking kill me.

My mind is waterlogged

My mind is waterlogged

My mind is waterlogged

My biggest fear is the human mind,

Brains are fucking terrifying,

Intelligence and stupidity are equally disquieting,

Complicated chemicals,

Thought processes,

Impulses,

Pushing our mental capacity beyond its limits,

Thinking twisted things that we would never admit to,

Happiness that deceives us before being led down a plunging spiral of emptiness and pain.

My mind is futile

My mind is futile

My mind is futile

Sometimes it seems like there’s no way out,

Your mind is so polluted you believe your deceptive thoughts,

You need someone to somehow convince you of your worth,

You need someone to somehow convince you it’ll all be ok,

But when it comes to a sickness of the mind,

Ultimately it’s up to you to recognise that you can overcome this,

Stop wishing for blissful ignorance and death,

Realise that life throws obstacles your way,

Recognise that illnesses can be cured,

Or at least the symptoms can be alleviated,

Challenge your thought processes,

And know that,

Your mind is capable of healing

Your mind is capable of healing

Your mind is capable of healing.

I don’t want to die.

I want to live life.

My mind is in recovery.

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