My Lover Tried to Kill Me

TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE AND SUICIDE

I remember apologising for my bruises,

When you noticed them you would cry,

You expressed remorse and broke down,

And I would tell you that it was my fault;

That I deserved it.

You would get angry at yourself,

You would get angry at the blackened ribs,

So angry that you would start to blacken the other side,

To balance out the black and white in your eyes.

I remember apologising for spilling my tea,

I was shaking like a leaf,

You clenched your fists, tightened your lips, sighed, and furrowed your brow,

I spilt more tea,

My skin tone became a mix of yellow and purple permanently.

You incarcerated me in your very own tongue,

A language that I absorbed and cannot forget,

You told me that I had no value, that I should shut up and be quiet,

You told me that everyone would disown me if they knew what I was,

You told me that I deserved to die, but I never knew why.

I listened to those lies, and I believed them.

You tightened your grip around my wrists,

Leaving your purple handprint,

But I too tightened my grip around your wrists,

The difference being I did it to try and save you,

I stopped the blood flowing,

And instead of a purple handprint,

Mine was red.

Soaked in the blood of your pain.

Hollowed eyes staring into mine,

As you sear me with your serpent tongue,

Broken bones limp in my arms,

As I hold you and wish that you would just beat me,

Because at least that gives me feeling,

Better than the words that have my insides bleeding.

You were so convinced that we would end our lives together,

You seemed blissful when you communicated the plans,

You felt like it would be a romantic death,

But I never really agreed with that.

I don’t deny that I wanted to die,

But the only reason I stuck around,

Is because it was your life I cared about;

Not mine.

And I remember when you broke up with me,

You just disappeared and moved country,

But you still contacted me to tell me that you loved me,

And that you hated me,

And that you loved me,

And that you hated me,

And that you loved me,

And that I should hate myself.

And then one day you just turned up at my door unexpectedly,

And we talked, fought, fucked, expressed love, and sat silently saying nothing but the silence said everything.

And finally I started to lose my cool,

Which isn’t really something I ever do,

I’m calm and collected,

And I was always nice to you,

So it was surprising to catch my hands wrapped around your neck,

Choking you.

I let go in fear of myself,

Had I become you?

I refuse,

I fucking refuse.

You yelled that this would be the last time you would ask,

My last chance to give in to your demands,

My last chance to agree with your plans,

To die together,

And for the first time I actually shouted back,

You pulled out a silver blade,

I caught my fearful manifestation in the knifes reflection,

You jagged it into my throat,

And you screamed that If I didn’t kill myself with you,

That you would just do it yourself anyway.

And I remember the words escaping me,

Before I had any real chance of actually thinking,

And I said ‘GO AHEAD THEN, FUCKING DO IT’.

I was trembling,

My knees went weak,

I slid down and sat on the floor, and watched you go.

I actually missed the bruises when they faded,

I missed being the dartboard for you to throw your missiles,

I craved your comments that would lick my skin with fire.

I glamorized you so much that the blades you dug into my body looked like cupids arrows.

It’s been 5 years now,

And you still have this control over me,

I fight the urge to give into the self-loathing,

Because I learnt that you just needed someone to be understanding,

So you caused me to feel what you were feeling.

You always told me that everyone would leave,

And I’m sad to say that you kind of predicted correctly,

But I know that I’m worth it,

And I have so much love to give,

It’s just a case of finding someone who will fucking accept it.

It took me a long time to get over the anger,

Sometimes it resurfaces,

It look me a long time to get over the self-hate,

Sometimes it re-emerges,

It look me a long time to get over the guilt,

It recurs and recurs and recurs,

The bruises are still appearing,

Because even though it’s been 5 years,

Your words are still echoing,

I’m still throttled by the syllables stuck in my throat,

I’m still fragmented from the remarks in my heart,

But I don’t deserve your pity,

I was a villain as much as I was a victim,

But I forgive myself,

I forgive you,

I hope you can forgive me too.

I’m just sorry that;

I’m just sorry that;

I’m just sorry that I couldn’t be the one save you.

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